The Cleveland Indians are mulling a name change, but there are a few names to certainly avoid.
There’s a lot of debate around what the name of the Cleveland Indians should be changed to. Granted, too many people are getting drunk on their own hate and don’t even realize why the team is considering changing the name. It’s not about any protest or outrage, because there’s none. It’s simply time. Chief Wahoo was wholly problematic, but the name “Indians” is not. It’s just inaccurate and has never been the way to go.
Not every team named after a first nation’s group needs to change their name. The Indians don’t need to change their name (but they should). The move is just a long time coming. So change the name. Make it grand. Make it regal. Make it something Clevelanders alike can root for.
Find the right name.
Part of the issue with most of the team names being suggested is that they’re old. They’re used up and attached to someone else’s history. Now yes, there’s a column on this very site that looks at several ideas but that doesn’t mean those picks are the top selections on anyone’s big board. Merely that they’re the best of the already used options. The team’s new nickname has to be original, yet tied to the city. Classic, and modern all at the same time. All while remaining timeless.
It’s an impossible idea, to try and name a beloved team something that everyone will love, but you have to try at the very least. There are a lot of good ideas and a lot of bad ones, just don’t pick one of those ideas from these next three.
The Cleveland Barons
The Cleveland Barons is as terrible of a name as anything. It just is. A baron is some rich putz that’s on the bottom of the proverbial totem pole of British nobility. He’s not even a King or Queen. He’s the second-cousin of your Aunt Frida’s best friend. He’s the guy no one wants to hang out with because he’s constantly talking about his weird pet tarantula.
As a sport’s nickname, it has roots in Cleveland, sure. The name started it’s life in the ’30s, as the nickname for AHL’s minor league team. That team lasted from1937 to 1973. After that, the name, like the team, got sucked into the ether. For their credit, the team did win nine Colder Cups (the AHL’s version of the Stanley Cup). Something their descendants, the Cleveland Monsters, have only done once (2016) since then.
After the lame name died a death, there was an attempt to bring it back, twice. When the California Golden Seals got relocated to Cleveland, they changed their name to the Barons. It became the name of the only NHL team to ever play in Cleveland. The team lasted two seasons, eventually merging with the now-Dallas Stars. During its life, the team did next to nothing and was largely forgotten to time. The awful branding was brought back again in 2001 after the San Jose Sharks moved their AHL affiliate to Cleveland. That team lasted five years and did absolutely nothing in its time in Cleveland.
The team name sounds lame to the ear. There’s nothing awesome, cool, or marketable about being the lowest form of royalty. That’s like getting to pick your favorite relative and you pick the step-daughter who’s constantly trying to push you down the stairs.
The Cleveland Spiders
Why anyone wants to go back to this name baffles me. It’s truly atrocious. The Spiders? Really? That’s the cool mascot name you want? Why? Because it’s old? No, that’s a dumb reason. The team name needs to evoke something profound. Something unique and marketable. Something that doesn’t seem like it was made by an arachnologist.
The Spiders have no real lore in Cleveland. They existed for 12 years before 1900 and were such a disgrace they were reduced to a minor league team before being phased out of existence entirely when they were scrapped and sold after the owners gutted the team. They’re a literal embodiment of failure, greed and poor management. It’s like calling your boat the Titanic II.
It isn’t going to go over well.
Beyond that, it’s just a lame name. It’s one that will do more harm than good and will end up turning off investors and fans from coming on board. Considering that arachnophobia is one of the ten most common fears, naming your team after something that could potentially scare not just children but adults away is asinine. Could you just imagine giving your daughter a Spider-Slider doll and her screaming for hours on end because of how grotesque it looks?
“The Cleveland Spiders, fun for some ages.”
That’s a terrible catchphrase and even worse idea for a team name.
The Cleveland Buckeyes
Not a fan of the name. Buckeyes? Really? Fine, it’s been attached to the school for generations and it’s not something that will ever be changed. That’s ok, I get it, but you don’t have to settle with it for a pro team. A nut? Really? That’s what we’re reduced to now? Not even a good nut, either. A nut that is mildly toxic.
Toxic Nuts. Now there’s your punk band name for the day.
While the term “buckeye” has been used since 1840 to describe Ohioans, that isn’t exactly a reason to name a professional baseball team after it. After all, in a state known for its science and medical breakthroughs is a nut really that impressive anymore? No one is suggesting naming the team something silly like the Astronauts, Moonwalkers, or the Isotopes….well, maybe one of those isn’t bad but the point is that the team needs to be more represented of not just the times but the region as well.
The brand name should be modern, hip, cool, jazzed up and any other outdated term one can come up with that means awesome. It shouldn’t just be something that people over 50 feel nostalgia for. It should have an identity of its own, one that can be both inspiring and imaginative. One that can bring new fans to the park, and can work with the team’s color schemes. Something that joins the shared history of the town but also stands on its own to be something completely unto itself.
The Buckeye’s just ain that.