As The Cleveland Cavaliers embark on the franchise’s defense of the NBA Championship, here’s how you can survive the long, dull, tedious NBA regular season.
The NBA remains the home of the most dull regular season in professional sports. In what other sport can the championship round be so definitively narrowed down to two teams? If you don’t have the Cavs and Warriors meeting up for the third time in the Finals, you’re considered crazy.
With that said, we’ve got about seven months of basketball to watch until THE rematch, and the games DO count. Here’s how you can survive the 82-game grind and make it to June, especially if your team colors are wine and gold.
October: Stare at the ring, fellas. Men of Cleveland now know why their wives freaked out at the site of engagement ring. All those times you caught your fiancée starring at her ring during those DVR marathons of “Say Yes To The Dress” make a heckuva lot more sense now that you’re pretending you sport a Cleveland Cavaliers championship ring.
November: Maybe the Cavs are in first place, maybe they’re not. Who cares. But to prove your die hard fandom, read as many in-depth pieces about how Kay Felder is not Matthew Dellavedova and how the Cavs desperately miss the scrappy Aussie. Expect ESPN’s Zach Lowe to cover the matter in no less than 500,000 words.
December: Time to Google “Kevin Love trade rumors.” I guarantee I’ll have written an article or 20.
January: Tristan Thompson can’t still be dating a Kardashian, can he? Games get real boring around this time. Why not turn on the E! channel to find out?
February: The NBA All-Star Game is Feb. 19 in New Orleans. Kind of embarrassing that the eventual World Champions had just one representative last season. Come on, sending LeBron James to an All-Star Game is about as hard finding an locally brewed IPA in Ohio City.
Let’s take it up a notch Cleveland. Bust our your smart phone and get Kyrie Irving, and Kevin Love into the game!
The trade deadline is also in February. Brush up on your debate skills to prepare for the argument about why the Cavs need to add a player who will never play in the playoffs. And also: Google “Kevin Love trade rumors.” Click on anything from the Factory of Sadness.
March: It’s the toughest month of the season. The All-Star Game is in the past. The playoffs are so close, yet so far away. At the end of the day, you look at your calendar March 1 and it’s like your your a Ground Hog who sees his shadow. Six more weeks of drudging through a Cleveland winter until the playoffs finally start.
April: Hurray, just 12 days into this month and the regular season ends! April Fools! Think the title is close? Think again! The Cavs are three rounds and two months away from a potential rematch against the Warriors.
Ok, maybe you have tickets to some final regular season home games that will help make the wait seem shorter. Sucker! Think Cleveland’s Big 3 will be playing in any of those? Hope you like seeing LeBron wear a suit!
The playoffs: You made it. The Cleveland Cavaliers officially begin their title defense. No Cleveland team has experienced this since the 1965 Browns. That team went 11-3 and had the pleasure of being dismantled by Vince Lombardi’s Green Bay Packers in the NFL Championship game.
But that Browns team didn’t have LeBron James.
So enjoy the ride Cleveland, because it’s certainly going to be a long one.